Last semester, my youngest daughter implored me to visit her at the University of Wisconsin.  As I hated the idea of taking two flights, but wanted to sate her loneliness, I offered a deal:  “I’ll come,” I told her, “but only if I can attend your class on Islam.”  She was taking a course from the notorius assistant professor who claims, among other things, that the U.S. orchestrated the 9/11 attacks on our soil.  She refused to give me her schedule, and I refused to visit (although, as a compromise,  we met on the common ground of Miami’s  semi-decadent South Beach for a family get together):

Apparently, she wasn’t afraid of my propensity to provoke hedonists, only among the liberal intelligentsia and apologists for murderous  zealots.  Not a bad sign, I thought, as I watch my daughter mature; a young woman who can laugh at my futile attempts to be risque while blunting my attempts to cause turmoil in her “workplace.”  Very smart, this girl is.

But her fears got me to thinking, about just what is it that people are afraid of saying (or, in her case, of what I might say).  We live in a world, where liberalism has come to mean adherence to a code of conduct and speech with parameters  so constricting that even Hillary Clinton has trouble squeezing into them.

And so, without much effort, to try to fit into the politically correct jargon of the day, I will, for the last time, whisper the things I want to say, but which are largely forbidden at U.S. universities, in Eastern Europe,  at CNN and New York City and East Hamptons cocktail parties:

1 — “He’s an Islamic terrorist” …this is no longer legal to say in the entire European Union, (lest they offend the murderers)..henceforth, I must, and will,  say: “He’s a terrorist who abusively invokes Islam”;

2 — “Merry Christmas” to anyone in the U.S., and will forevermore say “Happy Holidays!”;

3 — “Are you an illegal alien?” — I promise to re-phrase this and ask, “Are you one of those growing minorities that no one  wants to offend, because one day you may vote?”;

4 – “Is it true, that Muhammed was a warrior as much as a religious leader…and please explain to me what he added to the world’s religious landscape that had not  already existed?”  But now I have to say (and will do so hereafter), “Islam is a religion of peace” — no matter how much blood is shed in its name — “Allah Be Praised!”;

5 — “Look at that fat man taking up two bus seats” in the ever-sensitive and enlightened city of San Francisco…As it is against the law to say so (I hope this isn’t published within their holistic borders); I will forever say, “Look at that centrigually-challenged male! And how I can I make more room for you on the tram!”;

6 – “How I love my SUV” — (which gets me and my children safely up to our ski house in the worst of weather) — and will hereafter state: “How I wish I had a Prius!”;

7 — “The United Nations has become a pulpit for anti-Semitism!” — and will henceforth state that “the enlightened nations the U.N. Human Rights Council– Eqypt, Belarus, Cuba, China, Saudi Arabia and Russia are the  able watchdogs of humanity!”;

8 — “That’s a pretty dress” to any female employee (but which, I believe, is still  fine to say to any tranvestite employee) and will curtail my remarks to, “Can I make you some fresh coffee?”;

9 —  ”Israel has a right to land it won in defensive wars against countries that continue to call for its liquidation”… and, even under extreme duress will not be coerced to say the elitist/leftist mantra that ”Israel is an oppressive non-entity,”  (even tho more than a dozen of the 50 Muslim nations were forged within the last half-century by western powers) ,  and

10 — “Global warming , while indeed a major issue, is not as great as hunger, malaria and breast and colon cancer– and may not even be caused by mankind (oops, I mean humankind”),  and hereby promise to say, “Let’s stop working…who cares about industry and employees (and their families!), we’d all be so much cooler if we didn’t work!”

Now, with these 10 Commandments of politcally correct speech imbedded in my brain, perhaps, my daughter will allow me to vist her — and attend just one of her classes.